Paddington mascots, Gemma Collins falling, and a whole lot of tea.
If you didn’t already know, The European Broadcasting Union last week confirmed that the 2023 Eurovision Song Contest will be held here in the United Kingdom on behalf of Ukraine.
There’s an ongoing bidding war between several UK cities to decide where exactly the contest will take place, but regardless of the chosen venue, I think we can safely say most if not ALL of these things will happen…
The Sugababes will be our entry.
Some combination of Clara Amfo, Rylan Clark-Neal, Davina McCall, Maya Jama, Amanda Holden, Rochelle and Marvin Humes, and – of course – Graham Norton will host.
And at some point they’ll all appear dressed as Abba.
Or The Beatles.
Inevitably, Jedward will work their way into proceedings (probably to give Ireland’s score) and reference their song “Lipstick”.
Gemma Collins will appear and she will definitely fall over in a spectacular fashion.
Obviously the dressing rooms will be filled with Yorkshire Tea, Party Rings, and Monster Munch.
I just feel like someone will play a prank of Graham Norton.
There will be a weird skit where non British attendees will be asked to guess the meaning of Cockney rhyming slang.
There will be a moment of silence for Sir Terry Wogan, who was the BBC’s commentator from 1971 to 2008.
At least one entry (and let’s be real, it will be more than one) will play on the UK thing, and have a dancing Paddington Bear mascot or something.
There will probably be a performance by a huge UK star – Ed Sheeran, Adele, Harry Styles, Rachel Stevens, what have you.
And Brian May will guest star in the number as guitarist, of course.
Liam Gallagher will somehow appear to make a caustic speech and flip everyone off.
The person reading our points will be a soap legend of kind – think Jessie Wallace, Letitia Dean, or Julie Goodyear.
And finally, we will achieve nil points despite hosting the ceremony.
Have we missed anything obvious? Do you have a hunch something else will happen? Let us know in the comments!